A Dutch Decade: Q&A with Jo Parfitt

As part of the Dutch Decade week I threw the floor open to you to ask any question you liked about expat life or life in the Netherlands.....

Jo Parfitt, expat author, entrepreneur, speaker, teacher, mentor, coach and general writing guru, asked,

Jo Parfitt

"They say that after about 2 years abroad there is no going back, that you are now permanently changed and that from now on, wherever you live the grass will be greener. Do you now feel that, happily and completely this is your home, or do you have "grass is greener" moments? Please tell me about the state of your integration".

My Answer: I am not sure about the validity of after 2 years there is no going back; after ten years I think that is most definitely the case. For the first few years I lived in the Netherlands, whenever I travelled back to England I had the feeling that I was going home. In later years that reversed and as soon as we board the ferry or train back to Holland it feels like I am heading home.

I still miss my friends and family back in England and that will never change, but when we go back there I feel like a visitor and not a native. And that is not strange after a decade away.

That is not to say I don’t have my ‘grass is greener’ moments – some things in the Netherlands irk me and there are occasions you will hear me say, “You wouldn’t have this problem in England.” But of course, no matter where you live there are things you don’t like and at the end of the day England and the Netherlands are not poles apart like some cultures are.

I feel well assimilated into Dutch society - I am married to a Dutchman so I have had to  but I remain English and will never be a true local. So in a way, living overseas for ten years means that you live in the no man’s land between being an expat and being a local.

Photo: Myles Davidson

I speak Dutch to a reasonable standard (at least nobody tries to speak English to me anymore when I am out and about), I understand a good deal about Dutch culture and what makes the Dutch tick. I have a birthday calendar in my downstairs toilet, my potato masher is well used in the winter and I get enthusiastic about the national football team; I do my best to integrate. However, there are some things, no matter how long I live here for, that I will not adopt or accept as the norm: birthday circles and bad customer service.

Does your host country feel like your home now or do you still have a feeling of coming home when you travel back to your country of origin?

A Dutch Decade: Q&A with Arwa Lokhandwala

As part of the Dutch Decade week I threw the floor open to you to ask me any question you liked about expat life or life in the Netherlands.....


Arwa* asked, "When did you feel learning the language (Dutch) was important, so as to enable you to integrate better into Dutch society? Was it during the initial months? Or do you feel you managed well initially without knowing the language since English is so widely spoken here? Did the realisation come about only after a couple of years when say you started a family or a business here in the Netherlands? Also what difficulties did you face while learning the language and how did you overcome them?"


My answer: I started to learn Dutch before I even set foot on Dutch soil with the intention of living here. At school I learnt French and German, and for my university degree I continued with my French and lived in Toulouse for a year so you don’t have to tell me twice how important it is to learn a local language. Once I knew I was moving to the Netherlands, I started trying to get the basics of Dutch. I used 'Hugo Dutch in Three Months' as a foundation, read news articles online and then tried to translate them with my Dutch partner sending back corrections by email. I practiced basic phrases on the telephone every time we talked (which was daily – British Telecom called me to notify me of ‘unusual high activity’ on my phone line and demanded an upfront payment to settle the ‘unusually high bill’).

When I arrived here, hit by culture shock and missing my family and friends, I found it hard to get out there and try and talk Dutch in shops and with my partner’s friends and family. Initially they all spoke English with me – it would have been a quiet household otherwise. After a few months, everyone switched to Dutch as they worked out that I understood a lot but suffered from stage fright when it came to talking. That shook me out of it! If I spoke English they looked at me blankly, forcing me to say it again in Dutch and with time, hard work, and patience on their part, it worked.

It was actually years later that I went for the first time to any kind of formal Dutch language tutor (I saw Gerrie Soede of Poldertaal in The Hague and highly recommend her by the way) as I realised that understanding and speaking was going well but writing the language was much harder. Gerrie helped me with grammar (I got to hear “that’s an exception to the rule’ a lot….) and gave me lots of writing exercises and useful resources.

Funnily enough, having a family actually decreased my use of Dutch at home as we are bringing both boys up bilingually. That means I speak English to them and their father speaks Dutch – otherwise they’ll end up speaking Dutch with an English accent and vice versa! By the time I set up The Writing Well, my Dutch was good enough to cope with the Chamber of Commerce and the tax office and any other administration body that demands money from me……

I had a colleague not long after I arrived in the Netherlands who had been here a few years but who could not speak much Dutch. I will never forget her telling me that her daughter brought home Dutch friends from school and she had to ask her daughter to translate for her – that was an extra motivator to get to grips with the language.

On a final note, I don’t believe you can truly understand or enjoy another country’s culture without learning the local language – without it you cannot understand the newspapers, films, TV programs, music text, radio programs. You can’t fully follow politics or happenings in society.

How have you learnt the local language?

*An Indian expat in The Netherlands, Arwa is a travel and expat writer. Her articles have been published in a host of travel and expat websites including the Lonely Planet. She has traveled extensively in India and Europe, and this has given her an excellent opportunity to understand different cultures. She also maintains her blog Orangesplaash wherein she shares her expat experiences, travel adventures and expat tips!  You can catch her on twitter at @arwalokhandwala.

A Dutch Decade: Q&A with Invader Stu

As part of the Dutch Decade week I threw the floor open to you to ask me any question you liked about expat life or life in the Netherlands.....

Stuart* asked: What is the funniest language or cultural mix up you have experienced during your ten years in the Netherlands?

My Answer: Without hesitation, the funniest language mix up was when a pediatric nurse cast serious aspersions on Bert’s sexuality. My son, two at the time, had to go for an examination at Lange Land hospital. Whilst we waited for the nurse, he was busy with some toys that were scattered around the room. He picked up an Ernie, of Sesame Street fame, and began to play. 

The nurse appeared and to get him a little warmed up (some two year olds are not too happy when a stranger wants to poke and prod them) she asked about the cuddly toy he was holding,

“Nou, wie is dat?”

“Ernie,” replied my son looking at her as if she had landed from an alien planet.

“En waar is Bert?,” she continued.

“Bert’s at home,” he replied, turning back to continue playing with Ernie. The nurse looked a little shocked and turning to us asked,

“Wat zegt hij nou?”

“Bert is thuis,” my husband said “maar dan in het Engels. Hij heeft een Bert knuffel thuis.”

The nurse broke in to hysterics and we all looked at her. As if she had landed from an alien planet. 

“Ik dacht dat hij zei ‘Bert is een homo’.”

In the sterile surroundings of a hospital examination room, it was the laugh we needed.

What language or culture blunder has made you laugh?

*Stuart is the brains behind the near celebrity status expat blog, Invading Holland. Recently engaged to be married, a fellow Brit and nearing his ten year anniversary as an expat in the Netherlands, Stuart has been interviewed by The Telegraph and you may recognise his cartoons on The Stuart Britton Show website. Head over to http://www.invader-stu.com/holland/ for a seriously good laugh.

A Dutch Decade Q&A with Nicola McCall

As part of the Dutch Decade week I threw the floor open to you to ask me any question you liked about expat life or life in the Netherlands.....

Nicola McCall asks: What significant societal changes have you seen in life in the Netherlands whilst living there and noticed from afar about the UK?  Which have surprised or worried you?


My Answer: There are three events of the last ten years which spring to mind when I thing about Dutch society and the way it has altered: the murders of Pim Fortuyn and Theo van Gogh and the attack on the royal family on Queen’s Day 2009.

Whilst none of the three events had a direct influence on the lives of the majority of the population, each atrocity gnawed away at the fabric of Dutch society. One result has been that people live more in fear than they did a decade ago - look at the reaction of the crowd during the war remembrance ceremony on 4 May on the Dam in Amsterdam (see video below). The other consequence is a reduced tolerance in a country known for its tolerance. Geert Wilders and his increased popularity is a testament to that. It is a reflection of economic circumstances too of course, but I feel there is an unconscious collective feeling of a threat on Dutch society from an outside source. People feel more vulnerable.

One other marked change in Dutch society that I have seen, and it has been a gradual change, is that people are distancing themselves from each other. It is a phenomena hitting many western countries I think, but to see it happen in front of you is quite something. (The image of Londoners on the underground ignoring each other is the best visual for this).

The Dutch are known for greeting each other (strangers) in waiting rooms, lifts and the like but I do see this happening less. More and more people turn their heads away walking past each other, rather than saying hello. In my own little world here, I see a trend towards individualism and a lot less consideration for each other - new neighbours in our street no longer introduce themselves, people are more quickly verbally aggressive if you address small scale anti-social behaviour with them (blocking paths, roads, smoking on trains/trams etc), doing DIY to 10pm. I could fill a blog post about anti-social acts I have encountered this year alone........

The strangest thing I have heard and seen about changes in the UK centre around health and safety. It seems that UK authorities have gone health and safety mad in the last ten years and are doing everything to avoid liability issues. Nynke Bruinsma raised it in her interview with me  in November last year and it made me realise how often I had heard from people back in England about a nanny state; kids are being banned from doing things in school seen as normal when I was a kid – like British bulldog and other playground games – out of a fear of being sued by parents. I have read articles about parents being criticised for letting their children cycle to school – seen as too dangerous in some parts of the country – and being asked to sign waivers for this, that and the other. It ties in with the image I have of tiny children being dropped off in big, black, shiny 4x4s, which is something you don’t generally see in the Netherlands. Parents here in the Netherlands cycle or walk with their young children to school, and the rest make their own way there by bike or on foot because of the close location of schools.

What I also notice about the UK now that I haven’t lived there for a long time is the very obvious wealth differences. The gap between the well-off and low income families is very noticeable. It is something my husband commented on very early on (i.e. ten years ago) that I had never really noticed as it was the norm for me. Now, I notice it much more because the gap in the Netherlands is not so obvious – ‘average’ is a much larger group of people here. Not so much a change in society in my absence, but it came as a surprise to realise it.

What changes have you seen in Dutch society and back in your country of origin during the time you have lived here?


Nicola McCall is a trained coach specialising in expat life and work related issues. An expat herself, she is British and lives in the Netherlands. For more info, visit http://www.livelifenowcoaching.com/. She is also an online expert for Parenting in Holland and an expat aunt for Expatica. She brilliantly describes life as an expat "like living in porridge....things take longer and you're having to work hard for the same things that came easily before".

A Dutch Decade: Q&A with Kate Berger

As part of the Dutch Decade week I threw the floor open to you to ask any question you liked about expat life or life in the Netherlands.....

Kate Berger* asks:
For an expat living in Holland for ten years now (!), I am wondering about your socio-cultural participation within Dutch society: how have your social groups (and participation in them) evolved during your years in the Netherlands? Have you integrated and/or assimilated? Do you find yourself interacting with mainly Dutch people or English-speakers/people from your home country? And, how have you found that your involvement with different groups has changed at all over time? Do you see your children experiencing similar evolutions in social participation?


My answer: There has definitely been a change in the groups I seek interaction with over the years. As a newbie in the Netherlands, not speaking the local language, the tendency was to target social interaction with English speakers or other expats. Going through culture shock and knowing that those around you can relate to how you are feeling is a big comfort. In the beginning, I interacted in a number of expat groups but was so affected by one particularly negative social expat get-together that it put me off trying any others. I actually loved living here, even at an early stage, but the rest of the group obviously didn’t..... I came home, from what I thought would be a fun night in a pub, shell-shocked, and in the words of Forrest Gump “that’s all I have to say about that”.

The reality is that expats live abroad for many reasons and there are different types of expats; being an expat does not automatically mean you have anything in common with every other expat you meet. Those that have moved abroad on a permanent basis to be with a partner face different issues than those that are transferred temporarily overseas with their family. Obviously, this doesn’t rule out social interactions but it does mean you look in different places (more locally in my case) for relationships and not necessarily through the traditional methods of established expat groups.

As my working life changed and my language skills developed, it became easier to socialise and network with Dutch people. As my writing career developed it also led me to new social interactions – meeting others first virtually through networking groups and through this blog. I now have a good bond with some people I have never even met in real life!

The biggest motivator to get out and socialise locally was having a baby. I participated in an expat mother and toddler group for a while but there was a temporary nature to it as others moved back home, or moved on and a huge culture gap in some cases. Suddenly it was no longer about being an expat, a foreigner in the Netherlands, but about being a mother so the relationships with those I am now closest to came about through the common bond of motherhood.

In one case we met through an expat forum, in another case it was through a Dutch mother’s site – both are English speakers though. Having children definitely widens social interaction in the local community. My son has a varied pool to socialise in: Dutch children in pre-school; the daughters and sons of friends who are themselves expats but bringing their children up ‘locally’ (i.e. local schools, speaking Dutch and a long term plan to stay in the Netherlands); children of friends back in England.

How has your social circle evolved whilst living abroad?

*Kate Berger, MSc Psychology, offers emotional health services for expatriate children and adolescents in the Amsterdam area through her practice, The Expat Kids Club. Individual and group sessions are offered, and target issues including anxiety, family & peer conficts, and socio/emotional adjustment to non-native lifestyles & cultures. For more information visit http://expatkids.weebly.com, or contact Kate directly at: +31614832702.

Are you an Expat Type Two? Or is it Just me?

Tying into my Dutch Decade theme, I have written a guest blog post for Expat Harem entitled 'Expat Type Two'. When I was thinking about the fact that I have been in the Netherlands now for ten years, have a family here, have no plans to return to England and actually love my life here, I asked myself if I actually considered myself as an expat.

The answer was no. And then I realised that while the official definition of an expat fits me, I have never really felt like I was an expat as such. There are different types of expat. I'm an expat type two, or not an expat at all.....

"When I first moved overseas I was struck that some expats are more equal than others. We all live in countries and cultures other than where we were brought up, or have legal residence. The difference lies in the “temporarily or permanently residing” part of the definition.........." Read more over at Expat Harem.

A Dutch Decade... Ten Highlights of Ten Years

This week I celebrate the milestone of ten years living in the Netherlands. There have been highs and lows. There have been tears and laughter. Here are my top ten highlights from a decade in the land of the Dutch - in no particular order.

Birth of my First Son: having a baby in Holland is not like having a baby in other Western countries. Almost 30% of births here are home births compared to 1% to 2% in the US and UK. More than a third of Netherlands based women plan home births but end up in the hospital for medical reasons. I am one of those women. Despite this, planning for a home birth was a memorable experience and one that I would not have had if my son had been born in England. His arrival into the world is most definitely a highlight to cherish, regardless of where it happened.

Birth of my Second Son: There was no home birth planned the second time round - there was no choice. The experience though was a great one - with a doula on hand, an amazing maternity nurse and a birth plan followed to the letter. Within a few hours of the birth we were all at home as a new family of four.

Kraamzorg: What made both births particularly special in the Netherlands was the postnatal care from the kraamverzorgster. I am in no doubt that this is the best thing to come out of the Dutch healthcare system, or any other Dutch system for that matter. For someone who doesn't have their direct family and best friends round the corner, such support for the first week after a birth is invaluable.

Photo: Anouschka Rokebrand

My Dutch Wedding: we married in the Netherlands in a beautiful setting in Hauwert where the houses have thatched roofs and you can still picture horse and carts on the quiet roads of the village. My brother flew over from the US, my family and friends came over from England and the Dutch contingency made the trip upwards for a day that could not have gone better. It even stayed dry, which for July in the Netherlands is proving to be a miracle........

Starting my Own Business: There is nothing like a complete change of career to test your character, nerves and wallet. But in 2008, that is exactly what I did when I set up The Writing Well and left the world of human resources behind. It was the best career move I ever made and I have never looked back. Without my expat life this is a move I would never have made so I have my Dutch surroundings to thank for a happy, creative work life.

My Husband's Career: It's not only my career that changed because I moved to the Netherlands. My husband also made a challenging and daring career move to an international organisation where the principle language spoken is English. His English has obviously developed astoundingly over ten years, so much so it became his working language. Thankfully, his Dutch is still quite good too.......

Mastering Dutch: Of course, whilst my husband was improving his English, I have spent ten years coming to grips with the Dutch language. It has been a real highlight to move through the journey of the eight steps to learning a language:

1. avoiding eye contact and refusing to speak
2. admitting you have to talk to somebody at some point and speaking English everywhere 
3. getting through the mumbling 'dank u wel' and nodding enthusiastically stage,
4. saying 'wat zegt u?" a hundred times a day with a blank look on your face
5. reeling off automated responses to set questions you know you will be asked (such as "Wilt u koopzegels?" or "Wilt u een tasje?") 
6. reaching the stage of being able to hold a basic conversation
7. realising you can read Dutch newspapers, watch Dutch films and talk to the neighbours quite confidently as well as accepting Dutch grammar for what it is and no longer asking why there are so many exceptions.
8. feel practically like a native if it weren't for that accent you have whilst speaking Dutch......

My 30th Birthday: Without a doubt one of my best birthdays ever - the highlight was a flight over some of the Netherlands in a Cessna C172. The event was a total surprise arranged by my husband, who wanted to show me a little of his homeland from another viewpoint. I should also mention that I find having only the floor of a little aircraft between me and a drop of up to 800 feet a little daunting. However, fears of death aside, it was an amazing experience. 

My Flight Certificate - a record of 

my survival

We took off in Lelystad with an experienced pilot and flew over the Ijselmeer to Texel where we stopped for hot chocolate (though a stiff drink may have been more appropriate). We then took in the view of Friesland, took a tour over Zwolle and headed back to the airfield in Lelystad. I even had a go at flying the plane myself, but freaked out after seven seconds so passed the control back to someone who knew what they were doing. My husband however, revelled in flying the plane for most of the flight back to the airfield - he had ambitions to be a pilot in his youth but the fact that he can't see past his nose without contact lenses put an end to that dream.  To say it was cloudy and bumpy that day is an understatement - however the view I saw from the back of the plane over a paper bag was beautiful.

Expat People: During ten years living in another country I have met people, both in real life and virtually, who have had an enormous impact on my life - people who have guided my career, inspired me to reach higher, become trusted and treasured friends and supported me through the lows. An expat life forces you to look for a network in places you wouldn't look back in your home country. The result is a colourful and rich group of contacts.

Nurturing Bilingualism: Realising that your offspring can speak two languages by the age of three is a rewarding experience. Hearing a little voice switch languages depending on the audience is truly amazing and one gift of expat life that is priceless.

Ten Years in the Netherlands

Photo by Patrick Lebeda

Today marks the ten year anniversary of my arrival in the Netherlands. Ten years ago today, I moved with everything I owned piled in the back of a trailer to take up residence in an unknown land, an unfamiliar setting. It was a huge step. I started life as an expat.

However, at some point in the last ten years, it has snuck up on me, and quite frankly taken me by surprise. Suddenly the Netherlands feels like home.

When I go back to England, I feel like I have walked into a house I once lived in. It all seems familiar yet it is no longer my home.

 The kitchen is in the same place it always was. The living room, albeit with a different shade on the walls and a new carpet, bears a resemblance to the room I once kicked off my shoes and relaxed in after a hard day at the office. And yes, the bathroom is the same, yet the unfamiliar shower curtain bugs me and there are toiletries littered on the shelves that I do not use. The garden brings back fond memories of English summers, BBQ’s with friends and lazy afternoons on the lawn. However, I never planted that row of conifers, and roses blossom where I used to keep my patio chairs.

I know it is a house I have lived in, it breeds familiarity, but someone came in and redecorated. Somebody rearranged the furniture, planted new shrubs and flowers and erased the little touches that made it my place. I know my way around but it is clear I don’t live there anymore.

An English Pub (Photo:Bill Graham)

When we drive through the rolling English countryside I realise I miss hills and a landscape that provides variety. When I am pushing my trolley around the one-stop supermarket, it reinforces my yearning to shop every week surrounded by such choice and variety.  When we pass a traditional English pub, tucked back on a country road tempting the passer-by with Sunday roast dinners, I cannot deny happy memories flood back, and the desire to have such a stop-off on my doorstep again is overwhelming.

However, when I am back in England I feel like a visitor. It is no longer my home. People I love live there but I no longer have a base there. When we get into our car and make our way back to Dover to catch the Eurotunnel over to mainland Europe, or head to Harwich to get the ferry back to Hoek van Holland I know I am heading home.

A Dutch Decade... Question Time

On Monday I celebrate ten years in the Netherlands, and to mark the landmark event the week will be dedicated to my "Dutch Decade" as I like to call it. Whilst I am on the one hand flabbergasted that a whole decade has passed since I left England and moved to Dutch shores, I didn't want to let the occasion go unmarked so.....

There will be a post every day about some aspect of ten years in the Netherlands, including a Q&A sequence. Some of you have already posed a question by email to me, but for those that haven't - it's not too late. If you want to ask me a question related to living as an expat over the last ten years, or about life in the Netherlands in particular then post your question in the comments box and I will do my best to answer them.

My original plan was to just do one post with a few questions but the questions you have asked so far have been fantastic - in fact they have made me think hard and long about certain aspects of my life abroad - and to give each question the space it justifies, there will be one answer posted per day until they run out.......

So far I have been asked about my integration, changes in Dutch society and about forming social relationships as an expat. What do you want to know?